To end basically where I began in the first of these five posts, the “ground” for the growth of all the friendships I will have addressed in these posts, with the exception of one, was my entrance into a 45-year career in two institutions—one of 35 years and an entirely surprising 10-year post-retirement career in another. There were other personal connections, of course, some of which had the qualities of true friendships but were either too brief or too task-oriented to have a chance to develop. But some of those relationships became profound friendships, a few of which have lasted from 40 to 55 years—including the first one I will address here—and some others whose briefer duration of 10 to 15 years in no way diminished their depth and strength. The one exception began in Grad school, where I formed the friendship whose unique duration and characterization will close this final post.

In the previous post on these carefully chosen friendships in my life, I very self-consciously mentioned my long-time friend’s wife because she deserves her own distinctive place among my friends, as well as her important role in the friendship my wife and I enjoy with the two of them.  Our relationship includes the interesting fact that I developed a friendship with her even before my friend knew her. It was one of those rare and very special faculty/student relationships that many teachers have fortunately, happily and appropriately experienced. While my memory is often faulty in recalling some dates and times, the summer of 1981, over 40 years ago, stands out in my mind, in part, of course, as the summer I separated from my wife and my children and in part because it was when I was gifted with the role of Tevye in Fiddler on the Roof (and when I met the woman who became my friend and, later, my wife). But that summer is also an important connection here, because I sense that it was the time our friendship widened and deepened. I recall strolling with this student friend around the winding, walkable “circle” used by so many residents and students, having a conversation about Fiddler—including the incredible actress cast as Tevye’s wife, Golde, and the actual historical events in which the play itself was set. I also vividly remember being in deep conversations with her about both her academic studies, in which she flourished, and about a number of other issues, both academic and personal. I also recall staying in touch with her during a summer (or a semester?) that she spent in Mexico as part of her studies and conversational skills in the Spanish language. Sometime in all of that, the long-time friend I wrote about in the previous post, also met her and developed a friendship that later became a romantic and loving commitment. I was then privileged to participate in their marriage ceremony at the local Methodist Church.

Since then, this friendship has been, obviously, in two iterations: first, as the friend I met prior to her relationship with the man who at that time had been my friend for over a decade, and then, second, as the wife of that treasured friend. First, then, the relationship that had begun in her college student days, continued as she moved on to her graduate studies, was for a time a high school English teacher, and successfully earned her PhD. It was at this point that the most difficult and damaging event of our friendship occurred. Without digging into all the details, she applied for a faculty position at the college where she had been a student and, at the time, I was Academic VP. Due to some messy “infighting” among the faculty in the English Department, they did not support her candidacy. Therefore, I made the decision—which had absolutely nothing to do with her compelling recommendations and her sterling qualifications for the position—not to hire her into such a negative, caustic environment and approved, instead, another applicant. Both she and her husband—who was Chair of the Division of Fine Arts and had been very helpful to my wife—saw my decision, understandably, as a serious and damaging “slap in the face” to our friendship, which hung negatively over our relationship for several years.

On the positive side, when I closed a door, another one opened. She applied for and was offered a faculty position at a well-known state university, where she began her professional life in higher education and served as an English professor for a decade or so. Fortunately, she and her husband were willing to put the earlier damaging experience, as we say, in “the parking lot,” and the tension in our relationship diminished. I was able to visit there a number of times—with my wife on several occasions, and once with my son. While she was there, she was widely known for her teaching skills as well as her research, creativity, and exploration in related disciplines.  It was, in fact, those characteristics that later led her to apply and be chosen to teach medical humanities at a well-recognized state medical school. She is presently Professor of Humanities and Medicine there and an expert in interdisciplinary curriculum innovation and implementation. For instance, she has been a creative participant with several of her colleagues in groundbreaking research in graphic medicine, an engaging, powerful, and accessible method of delivering narratives that offer a more inclusive perspective on such issues as illness, disability, and caregiving. She has published and co-authored several books, as well as articles in distinguished Journals, and has lectured internationally, including as Visiting Professor at the University of Bristol, England. After more than a decade, she continues to teach, innovate, and collaborate in the field of medical humanities. Over all these years we have maintained this important friendship by being attentive to staying in touch and through communicating—through telephone and technology, and by physical presence when possible—about our active lives and about “things that matter.”

Second, then, being the wife of my treasured friend is what enables the two of them to be friends with my wife and me, a relationship she (my friend) identifies as “Us Four,” as we converse in a Zoom meeting every week! We have visited with each other occasionally, although the wives’ work schedules have made that more difficult since we now live about nine hours driving time apart. Among the pleasures my wife and I have enjoyed with her and her husband, have been a number of trips, both nationally and abroad. Although her husband has always been openly honest that traveling is not high on his list of things he enjoys, he has always made sure it was “Us Four” who traveled! Among trips we have taken domestically were to northern Maine, Yellowstone and Glacier National Parks, and the Pacific Coast Highway from Oregon to Southern California.  Internationally, we have had unforgettable experiences in Amsterdam and England (especially London and the Cotswalds), in Wales, Ireland, and Scandinavia (Denmark, Sweden, and particularly Norway, where we spent several days in Balestrand, a lovely village on the edge of Sognefjord, Norway’s longest, deepest fjord.).  She has been fully supportive of trips that happened due to my wife’s initiative and planning and, not surprisingly, she has proposed some of our journeys and actively led in planning them.

I value this lady not only as the wife of my dear friend, but as my personal friend for over 40 years. I am profoundly grateful for both of my relationships with her, but I especially celebrate here the one where she easily stands on her own two feet!

Finally, with reflections on my relationship with the man who has been my beloved friend for approaching 65 years,  I will conclude—believe it or not!—this “epistle by chapters.”  We met when he began his graduate studies in 1959 at the seminary where I was starting my second year. We “hit it off” at virtually our first meeting, deepened our relationship both during conversations at meals or visits with each other and our wives, and especially in our classes and the studying and debating we did together between classes, prior to exams, and over coffee on any given day. We were both “A” students, enjoyed studying, conversing, exploring the subject matter in our courses, and engaging in a bit of mutual competition! When we had both completed our basic divinity degree—called a BD, Bachelor of Divinity, in those days, now called an MDiv, Master of Divinity—my friend ended his seminary education and moved into a position as Senior LeaderCare Specialist for LifeWay Christian Resources (originally the Sunday School Board) of the Southern Baptist Convention (SBC) in Nashville, TN. Both of us had been raised as Southern Baptists, and the seminary we attended was one of several belonging to the SBC. I stayed on at the seminary, pursued my doctoral degree, and ended up on the faculty of a Baptist related college in NC. The result was that we kept in touch from time to time but would sometimes go for years without seeing one another. As his career “blossomed,” he traveled extensively as a helper, advisor, and encourager for many pastors troubled in their pastoral work or their personal lives. He wrote at least a half a dozen books—I’ve lost track. Five of them are still in print and available from a number of publishers, including Amazon. The most popular one continues to be Getting on Top of Your Work: A Manual for the 21st Century Minister.

When we were able to meet, after not doing so anywhere from a few to eight or ten years, it was as if no time had passed—we picked up where we left off, finished each other’s sentences, and were perfectly comfortable in each other’s company! While life has gone on for us, it did not for his wife. When she became a victim of dementia and had to be placed in a nursing home, he was an incredibly faithful husband, visiting her constantly, despite—completely as a result of her condition—her abusive treatment of him. He continued to visit her regularly—often twice a day!—until her death several years ago. After both of us retired, I visited him in his home near Nashville a number of times, and he came to my home several times. In the past few years, he has been unable to drive other than locally and so I have driven to be with him at his home. Nothing at all has changed about our relationship, other than our mutual struggles with the issues of aging—he is a year or so older than I and has been plagued by some difficult illnesses. At our age, we never know when a visit will be our last one and I am striving to be able to see him within the next month or so.

Unfortunately, for the first time ever, he has not responded to my email and I have not been able to reach him or his daughter by telephone. It is no surprise that my concerns are deep! That said, my gratitude to and for such a trusted friend—and for a friendship so deep that neither time nor distance can threaten its strength, its reality, or its indestructible substance— knows no bounds. As I have said to him in every communication, “I love you, my brother, then, now, and always.” So it has been, so it is, and so it will be!

And thus ends this much longer set of posts than I imagined when I began, but which have developed, without regret, due to the incredible value to my life of these friendships with which I have been blessed! To any and all who have had the time, endurance, and faithfulness to “read on,” please accept my deep gratitude!