In my previous blog about “the seed, the soils, and the sower,” there was a sentence, when I was making my point about my interpretation of the parable, which said in part “. . . . there must be a connection to human need, such that where our hearts go in compassion, our hands and feet go in tangible helpfulness.” The phrase “hands and feet” happens to be the name of a non-profit organization in Asheville on whose board of directors I happen to serve, but it is not the term in that sentence to which I want to call attention here—it is, rather, the word “helpfulness.”

Do I believe in helpfulness? Oh, yes, of course I do, as that just quoted sentence and my association with two non-profits—whose stated purpose is to “help” persons with needs such as vision-impairment, hunger, homelessness, and discrimination—illustrates. But, given the way my brain works, I’ve been thinking recently about the “flip side” of helpfulness—i.e. when is help helpful and when is it not?  And as strange as it may seem after all these years, this reemerging thought is no doubt connected with my reading, sometime back in the late 70s, of an article by Jack L.Gibb entitled, “Is Help Helpful?”  Despite my looking for it, I seem no longer to have a copy of the article, but I did stumble across a few notes that have been helpful (excuse the pun!) and will allow me, in what follows, to “give credit where credit is due.”

To be clear up front, I’m not jumping on the band wagon of those who tend to see all assistance offered to the needy, the jobless, the ill or disabled as creating dependency, loss of initiative, or failure of effort among a mini-population that is claimed to be a static drag on the productive element of our society.  Does that sometimes happen to those who find themselves in need of public or private assistance?  No doubt it does—neither systems nor people are perfect—but that does in no way, in my judgment, disavow the legitimacy of the need that capitalism itself creates for a “safety net” for many people who might be legitimately described as inevitable “losers” in our competitive, capitalistic economy where, by definition, not everyone can be “winners.”  But that is a conversation, perhaps, for another day.  My interest in talking about “help” is not at the macro/system level, but at the micro/personal level.

People in service professions often see themselves, not surprisingly, as primarily engaged in the job of helping others.  For that matter, people in many professions not normally considered in the “service genre” may also see their job as helping clients and customers, or may choose to be volunteers in organizations dedicated to helping people in a variety of ways, and many have found themselves in a caregiver role where providing “help” is a daily occurrence.  That is to say, no one is necessarily immune to considering the question, when is help helpful and when is it not?

I make no claim that what follows will offer startling new insights into a response to that question. Rather, my modest hope is that you will be offered timely reminders of what you probably already know, since much of it—whether coming from me, from my notes on Gibb’s article, or from other reading on the subject—arises from common sense (although I sometimes wonder just how “common” that is!). 

Let me begin with a familiar story.  A cub scout showed up at the meeting of his “den” after he and his fellow scouts had been charged with finding ways to be helpful to people.  The den leader noticed that he was limping a little and had a black eye and scratches on his face and asked what happened to him.  He said “I was helping a little old lady across the street.” The den leader said, “Oh, my, what happened?” The scout said, “She didn’t want to go.”  When you’ve stopped groaning, you can acknowledge the point: help is not helpful when it isn’t wanted or when the helper is motivated by his own needs.

As Gibb suggested, a person may have varied motivations for offering help. He may wish to reduce his own guilt, obtain gratitude, or give meaning to his own life; demonstrate her superior skill or knowledge, induce indebtedness or dependency, control others. 

I have a friend whose mother-in-law resided in a retirement center and who was essentially victimized by a “compulsive helper”—yes, there is such a malady—who, with good intentions, intruded into her life with unneeded and unwelcome “help.” 

In all helping situations, it’s best to ask questions first—e.g.

• how do you feel about your situation?
• Is there anything you would like me to do for you? 
• Is there a problem I might help you solve?
• Is there anything you used to do for yourself that has become difficult for you?—

than to jump in with possibly unwelcome or potentially damaging “help”.

The persons receiving help, however, are not relieved of some responsibility in the helping relationship. They must be prepared to be participants in, not simply passive recipients of, the help being offered. They must be clear about what they want or need and what they don’t, what is helpful and what isn’t. And they—like the giver of help—must, when possible, develop the ability or the change in circumstances that diminishes or ends their need for help . . . or providing help.

Failing that, In certain cases, Gibb suggested, recipients of help can become more helpless and dependent, less able to make their own decisions or initiate their own actions, less self-sufficient, more apathetic and passive, less willing to take risks, and less creative and venturesome.

But when help is provided under the right circumstances, recipients can become more creative, more highly motivated to tackle tough problems, and more effective at working independently.

Under the appropriate conditions, both the giver and the receiver can grow and develop. And what are some of those conditions that Gibb proposes?

• Reciprocal trust and openness—genuine help is offered to, not foisted upon, the receiver.
• Cooperative learning—people can’t be taught; both the giver and the receiver must learn . . . together.
• Shared problem-solving and experimentation—defining and exploring alternatives, innovation, and envisioning of possible results.
• While it isn’t always possible, the best consequence is when the helper can work herself out of the helping role.

So help is not always helpful, but it can be. Both the helper and the recipient can grow, learn, and develop when help is given in a relationship of trust, shared inquiry, and honesty. 

It bears remembering by those of us in helping relationships.